I guess I should be honest, but I've never had the guts to come to terms with my real feelings with near to anything. I've been so wrapped up in the "what if"'s and have almost completely disregarded my feelings about anything in the long-run. But sitting down and thinking about it now... what do I have to lose? Only what little pride I have built up over the years - and it would return once I realise that my life can, indeed, function properly without something - or somebody - there. I guess it's time that heals all in the end.
But when you only have a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
And that's when you strike the offensive - that's when you end up hurting others whilst trying to save yourself. It's like being a backwards-organ doner. It's like you know what you can do to help another but choose not to do it because it's just too much work. Feelings are a dangerous matter, whether you're juggling with confessions and love, or fighting off the urge to resent something or somebody, they all equate to the disaster of that of a deadly hurricane.
And what can I say for it?
I was scared...?
I was weak...?
I was spineless...?
Or I was just plain selfish?
I guess I'll never know. But feelings are very hard for me to understand - how can somebody be spiteful, but say it with a smile? How can somebody be angry, but have a twisted grin on their face? How can somebody say they love the gift you got them for their birthday, but you can see that spark of disappointment in their eyes? Are people dishonest? Or I just miss the basics? I suppose it's all down to me digging too deep to try and understand people in general - people confuse me. They can be so good... or so evil, it's one extreme or the other. But... why?
It's difficult when you feel you're in a relationship with somebody, but don't know if you actually are on not... wouldn't you agree? It's just so difficult filing through the mess that is to be you two together if you can just get the damn plan straightened out somewhat. Love is a bumpy road, but it shouldn't be an earthquake of strife and misery in the efforts and desperate attempts to get it to work. And it's even harder to ask whether your relationship is what it is with the fear of ice-cold reality slicing your world in two with an answer that you didn't want to hear in the entirety of your life. How must it be to lose the one dearest to you? How must it be?
Perhaps, someday soon, I will know. It is no easy road, being denied and brushed off and made to feel like you are less important, but I'm guessing it is just the way it is.
And I should learn to live with the pain of being different.~
Saturday, 22 December 2012
Tuesday, 30 October 2012
I Guess I Should Be Honest - Musical Vibes~
I guess I should be honest, but I've always been more interested in music above all else. Don't you think it's simply astounding how lyrics can describe your life so perfectly in a single moment? I find that simply mesmerising - how lyrical genius can just turn your whole perspective of life around. I veer towards music for this. And more, but first, let me summarise things for you.
Music is the heart of media. Even the promiscuous side of tunes. Because it's straight from the heart to the paper and then put to the tune that the heart decides fits just right - it's modification. Modification of the soul. It's beyond healthy - imagine, if people communicated through song... people would have a clearer vision of what you wanted to say to them. The world would be a huge box of clarity; everybody would know exactly what others thought of them. True, some music can be thought up on the spot - catchy tunes, meaningless lyrics and an overall fan-service feel about it... but it must make an impact on you because you recognise this. Regardless of the song, whether you like it or, whether it's your taste or not, every song makes some kind of indent in your life.
For example, songs that you dislike. You decide you don't like them... so why do some people sing them anyway? Claiming: "Oh, it's just stuck in my head." - I'll bet. And why? Because, no matter how much you don't want to admit it, that piece of music, no matter how irrelevant, has altered your scope of vision. On another note, when somebody is suffering through a failed relationship, bitter-sweet heartbreak, they often turn to songs that have words that follow their emotions. Take Taylor Swift for example: personally, I find her to be a fantastic artist, both a lyrical and musical genius, her speciality being girls having their hearts broken by careless boys. So, what I find interesting is that her main fan-base is girls who have had their hearts broken and are seeking refuge from the world's cruel reality. It's funny how it adds up like that, but it only proves that people seek comfort from music, no matter how much you want to deny it.
Music is a saviour. It is a good way of venting when you don't have the words (or the confidence) to say what you feel needs to be said. It is there when your voice leaves you in a sense of bewilderment because life's too much. It heals broken self-esteems, brings people together with emotion like none other, describes the very life you follow if you care enough to search the words for the meaning you need; just to feel you're not the only one who hasn't gone through it. It's human nature to not want to feel alone. Who would? It provides sanity, an open arm to conjoin with yours, a shoulder to lean your head against, a tissue to wipe your eyes with, the comfort you need to move on.
It is not just music. It is life - a smarter view of it. A more in-tune view of it. And definitely a more accurate view of it. The thought that not everything is always fine and dandy, and that people can hurt a lot more than they will allow you to see. In that sense, music is also a teacher - it teaches one to think before they open their mouths, teaches them to empathise with another and vice versa, teaches to dig deeper than the fake smile they're wearing and be wearier of what they are saying.
Music is beautiful and definitely, compared to a lot of other things, under-appreciated. It should be amongst the most important thing in your life - remember that when you have nobody else to tell you you'll heal, you can always switch on good ol' Youtube and just search it up; true, it is not face-to-face, but it is no less real than doing so. Next time you feel alone, try listening to something you know relates to the emotion you feel (take note this can be anything, anguish, sadness, happiness, excitement, absolutely any emotion you can think of, you can link to lyrical mastery) and see the effect it has on you.
I guarantee you can't fail to notice the feeling of solitude it brings.
Music is the heart of media. Even the promiscuous side of tunes. Because it's straight from the heart to the paper and then put to the tune that the heart decides fits just right - it's modification. Modification of the soul. It's beyond healthy - imagine, if people communicated through song... people would have a clearer vision of what you wanted to say to them. The world would be a huge box of clarity; everybody would know exactly what others thought of them. True, some music can be thought up on the spot - catchy tunes, meaningless lyrics and an overall fan-service feel about it... but it must make an impact on you because you recognise this. Regardless of the song, whether you like it or, whether it's your taste or not, every song makes some kind of indent in your life.
For example, songs that you dislike. You decide you don't like them... so why do some people sing them anyway? Claiming: "Oh, it's just stuck in my head." - I'll bet. And why? Because, no matter how much you don't want to admit it, that piece of music, no matter how irrelevant, has altered your scope of vision. On another note, when somebody is suffering through a failed relationship, bitter-sweet heartbreak, they often turn to songs that have words that follow their emotions. Take Taylor Swift for example: personally, I find her to be a fantastic artist, both a lyrical and musical genius, her speciality being girls having their hearts broken by careless boys. So, what I find interesting is that her main fan-base is girls who have had their hearts broken and are seeking refuge from the world's cruel reality. It's funny how it adds up like that, but it only proves that people seek comfort from music, no matter how much you want to deny it.
Music is a saviour. It is a good way of venting when you don't have the words (or the confidence) to say what you feel needs to be said. It is there when your voice leaves you in a sense of bewilderment because life's too much. It heals broken self-esteems, brings people together with emotion like none other, describes the very life you follow if you care enough to search the words for the meaning you need; just to feel you're not the only one who hasn't gone through it. It's human nature to not want to feel alone. Who would? It provides sanity, an open arm to conjoin with yours, a shoulder to lean your head against, a tissue to wipe your eyes with, the comfort you need to move on.
It is not just music. It is life - a smarter view of it. A more in-tune view of it. And definitely a more accurate view of it. The thought that not everything is always fine and dandy, and that people can hurt a lot more than they will allow you to see. In that sense, music is also a teacher - it teaches one to think before they open their mouths, teaches them to empathise with another and vice versa, teaches to dig deeper than the fake smile they're wearing and be wearier of what they are saying.
Music is beautiful and definitely, compared to a lot of other things, under-appreciated. It should be amongst the most important thing in your life - remember that when you have nobody else to tell you you'll heal, you can always switch on good ol' Youtube and just search it up; true, it is not face-to-face, but it is no less real than doing so. Next time you feel alone, try listening to something you know relates to the emotion you feel (take note this can be anything, anguish, sadness, happiness, excitement, absolutely any emotion you can think of, you can link to lyrical mastery) and see the effect it has on you.
I guarantee you can't fail to notice the feeling of solitude it brings.
Saturday, 20 October 2012
I Guess I Should Be Honest - Learning To Learn~
I guess I should be honest, but I never really paid much heed when my primary school told me: "Jess, it's important to know how to learn." - I mean, isn't learning something you do intuitively? I discovered over the course of this past week that this is not so, and that it takes as much recognition from yourself as it does from others in order for you to pick up a new skill correctly. Take talking to new people as an example, if you will. And if you won't, I suggest you just stop reading.
You don't just wake up one morning and think: "Oh, I might speak to somebody new today." or: "I think I may try and meet somebody." - it is instinct when you do bump into somebody. You don't plan who you come across in this life; you just accept it and make the best of the prematurely awkward situation, so that it's... not-so-awkward any more. Seriously, if you don't learn to deal with new people, you're going to be very stuck in later life.
Now, for me, talking to new people is extremely difficult. Why? Because, as far as I'm concerned, people are amongst the most evil things I've ever encountered - and I've come across a lot within the depths of my imagination (figments of thought count - any evil thought does not lose the evil aspect of it, merely because it doesn't exist, or hasn't happened specifically within your field of knowledge). They cause one another grief, they are, unlike animals, given the gift of speech (though many deserve to have that taken away from them), which can sting like a whip to the face if used indecently, or directed solely at another person with the intention of hurting them. They are also the only species I'm aware of that can knowingly kill another on of their kind and feel satisfaction from it - a lion kills to eat, a shark kills to eat, a fox kills to eat, a human kills an animal to eat... but what about another human? Then what is gained? It can be none other than either vengeance, or satisfaction.
Thus making us predominately the sickest creature there is. We develop the most, we create the most, we are the strongest and have the give of intellect... but we are also the most destructive, the most careless, the most selfish, and the most greedy. What's more is that some gain pride from being the bad, merely because they are outcast from the rest; because they are bound to a bad reputation, and because they cannot salvage anything else, other than the bad. It's quite sad really. Tragic.
But back on the topic, of it being difficult... I guess I should be honest about something else, and that is: I hate it when people say "It's difficult" as if it's an excuse to not do something, or skip out on the hard things in life. It may be testing, it may be out of your usual comforts, but if it's one thing I've learnt from this week (I went to a course called Outward Bounds, which stretched my comforts to it's limits and beyond) it's that just because something is difficult, it does not make it impossible. There are too many people in this world who say "I can't do it.".
Can't, or won't?
I believe that if people started saying "I'll try it..." as opposed to "I'm not doing that - it's far too difficult!", then the world would be a more productive place, and I'd definitely take more pride in it. In fact, no, I'd take more pride in the people. The world is beautiful, regardless. It is people that ruin it - it is people in which litter, and destroy countryside and natural habitats. Humans who build huge scary-looking contraptions in which release so many toxic fumes it's difficult to breathe nearby. Humans who cannot be bothered to take care of what has been given to them, thinking that something more will just appear out of thin air and be there to use forever.
Listen, the world is the world. It is not a magic hat. It does not sprout resources left and right for you to use as you see fit. This isn't aimed at everybody, but the people who are reading this (if it's anybody at all) know who you are. I won't point fingers, won't call you out, or state names... because the shame you should feel is already miles more than what a stubby finger, or your name in a disapproving tone, could ever make you feel. There is time to fix it, but not much.
It will be difficult, with all the damage done... but not impossible. That's what it's all about right? Making a change before it's too late to say you'll try to make a change - because you already said no and turned a blind eye to it. But it's not impossible. It's not. It can't be.
The thing I learnt about learning? It's what you make of your pre-conceptions. Somebody can tell you something, and you can listen, but it's up to you to discover what you actually know or and what you don't- up to you to search the rest and make sure that what you've been told is a reliable source. You yourself, should be able to make a specified judgement of your own, based on what you think is right. That is learning. That is life, whether you like it or not.
Difficult is difficult, but saying no is making it impossible - because you are not willing to even summon up enough effort to even attempt what's been asked of you. It is not about courage - I was scared out of my mind when I was made to climb a twenty five foot rock wall. Did I do it?
Yes, I did.
Twice.
Courage is courage, bravery is bravery, fear is fear and anxious is anxious.
But saying: "I'll give it a go." is definitely all of those things and more.
You don't just wake up one morning and think: "Oh, I might speak to somebody new today." or: "I think I may try and meet somebody." - it is instinct when you do bump into somebody. You don't plan who you come across in this life; you just accept it and make the best of the prematurely awkward situation, so that it's... not-so-awkward any more. Seriously, if you don't learn to deal with new people, you're going to be very stuck in later life.
Now, for me, talking to new people is extremely difficult. Why? Because, as far as I'm concerned, people are amongst the most evil things I've ever encountered - and I've come across a lot within the depths of my imagination (figments of thought count - any evil thought does not lose the evil aspect of it, merely because it doesn't exist, or hasn't happened specifically within your field of knowledge). They cause one another grief, they are, unlike animals, given the gift of speech (though many deserve to have that taken away from them), which can sting like a whip to the face if used indecently, or directed solely at another person with the intention of hurting them. They are also the only species I'm aware of that can knowingly kill another on of their kind and feel satisfaction from it - a lion kills to eat, a shark kills to eat, a fox kills to eat, a human kills an animal to eat... but what about another human? Then what is gained? It can be none other than either vengeance, or satisfaction.
Thus making us predominately the sickest creature there is. We develop the most, we create the most, we are the strongest and have the give of intellect... but we are also the most destructive, the most careless, the most selfish, and the most greedy. What's more is that some gain pride from being the bad, merely because they are outcast from the rest; because they are bound to a bad reputation, and because they cannot salvage anything else, other than the bad. It's quite sad really. Tragic.
But back on the topic, of it being difficult... I guess I should be honest about something else, and that is: I hate it when people say "It's difficult" as if it's an excuse to not do something, or skip out on the hard things in life. It may be testing, it may be out of your usual comforts, but if it's one thing I've learnt from this week (I went to a course called Outward Bounds, which stretched my comforts to it's limits and beyond) it's that just because something is difficult, it does not make it impossible. There are too many people in this world who say "I can't do it.".
Can't, or won't?
I believe that if people started saying "I'll try it..." as opposed to "I'm not doing that - it's far too difficult!", then the world would be a more productive place, and I'd definitely take more pride in it. In fact, no, I'd take more pride in the people. The world is beautiful, regardless. It is people that ruin it - it is people in which litter, and destroy countryside and natural habitats. Humans who build huge scary-looking contraptions in which release so many toxic fumes it's difficult to breathe nearby. Humans who cannot be bothered to take care of what has been given to them, thinking that something more will just appear out of thin air and be there to use forever.
Listen, the world is the world. It is not a magic hat. It does not sprout resources left and right for you to use as you see fit. This isn't aimed at everybody, but the people who are reading this (if it's anybody at all) know who you are. I won't point fingers, won't call you out, or state names... because the shame you should feel is already miles more than what a stubby finger, or your name in a disapproving tone, could ever make you feel. There is time to fix it, but not much.
It will be difficult, with all the damage done... but not impossible. That's what it's all about right? Making a change before it's too late to say you'll try to make a change - because you already said no and turned a blind eye to it. But it's not impossible. It's not. It can't be.
The thing I learnt about learning? It's what you make of your pre-conceptions. Somebody can tell you something, and you can listen, but it's up to you to discover what you actually know or and what you don't- up to you to search the rest and make sure that what you've been told is a reliable source. You yourself, should be able to make a specified judgement of your own, based on what you think is right. That is learning. That is life, whether you like it or not.
Difficult is difficult, but saying no is making it impossible - because you are not willing to even summon up enough effort to even attempt what's been asked of you. It is not about courage - I was scared out of my mind when I was made to climb a twenty five foot rock wall. Did I do it?
Yes, I did.
Twice.
Courage is courage, bravery is bravery, fear is fear and anxious is anxious.
But saying: "I'll give it a go." is definitely all of those things and more.
Tuesday, 9 October 2012
I Guess I Should Be Honest - School Blues~
I guess I should be honest, but until this day, I've always known what I've wanted to do. Write books, sell books, my whole life would be piles upon piles of unspoken literatures, my questions - normally beyond anybody's comprehension - would be out in the open for debate and the words of what I felt was righteous would be there for the entire world to read.
But it seems right now I can't quite settle with what I want to do.
I know it will involve writing - somehow. In whatever shape or form, because it's not just a pass time of mine, but a pure passion - like a partner, I suppose: trusty, loyal, and always there to fall back on when times get hard. There's no doubt in my mind that whatever I write would be able to make it somewhere within this big ol' world, but it doesn't necessarily mean that it will. I've found that I quite like the simplicity of secrecy - how easy it is to keep writing to myself. So that it stays as mine. My personal haven. My get-away when reality gets too sharp for me to keep my hand on the blade any longer. It's mine, and nobody can take it... but would publishing it to the public change that?
I mean, wouldn't that make people aware of the magic that one's mind can create if they try hard enough to escape the gripping suffocation of reality? Or would it show people that this world is existent as long as they envision it well enough? Or would it even do anything?
The last thought scares me slightly - writing is far too important to me for my writing to make no impact on other's lives whatsoever; it should be empowering, perhaps even compelling at times, and lure a reader to attempt new things and open their minds to the world's vast sea of opportunity. Being a fairly pessimistic person myself, I know how hard it can be to believe that things will get better, especially if things have been swerving in the direction of worse so long... but I often find the strength to pull myself back before the thoughts get so daunting it's almost hard to breathe. However, other people have weaker will-power, some have weaker will to pick themselves up... and I truly believe that writing - any writing - is a tool for people to use to their advantage in order to brighten their scope of perception a little.
School is often an instigator of such thoughts: uncertainty. Not knowing what you want to do in the world and not even being sure if you have a place in the world. It's sometimes hard to believe you can fit somewhere, though I firmly believe that everybody belongs somewhere, wherever that place may be. If God does exist (I personally am an agnostic girl myself, and am not sure what to make of religion as a whole) I'm sure he didn't make people so that they could wallow alone in their own self-pity and sense of unfulfillment. And even without the guy-in-the-sky to consider, people are here to create, to influence and to discover - it shouldn't be an option of anybody's to be lonely for eternity.
I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I may have lost my way a little. I am unsure of what media I would like to write. I'll tell you something: I had to pick up my little brother, Kyle (7) from school; his school is where I used to go myself, Normanton Common Primary School. My little brother, happy as could be, was showing me through his folders of work and I struck conversation with a long-forgotten teacher. She asked me about my career path and my college choices...
And I stood there in silence.
The silence was daunting, constricting and really made me think hard about my future. What is my career path? And what about my college options? Before I was so sure - so sure - that I would select English-central courses and progress from there... but perhaps, as possibly-arrogant as it is to think, I don't need to focus on English so much since I am already so strong in it. Perhaps I could direct my attentions where I am weaker, or not as informed, and channel energy to there instead, so that I have multiple ways to go in life. Maybe that would be good for me? I'm not sure... I laid back and thought it over for days. Night was never long enough for me to contemplate everything that was going on in my mind - ever had that feeling where there's a million and one things going round in your mind and you just don't know what to think about first? My nights were like that for a good couple of weeks - I told nobody, just hung my head and grew despondent, snappy even.
It tampered with my thoughts... it still does, though the feeling of being overwhelmed is nowhere near as strong as it was before; before, it was like a wave of disappointment, a tsunami of self-pity and grief, a pit of no clarity. And I didn't know what to think.
School and I have a love-hate relationship. It has caused me many many problems in the course of this world, what with the bullies and the harsh words and the discouraging vibe from the other people there, but also a torrent of joy: discovering, learning limits and potential in myself, rather than listening to somebody tell me what I could achieve if I tried hard enough. So why were my many years of discovering turning so sharply against me?
Critiquing had been in my mind for a while as possible career option... as had journalism. Whenever I tell somebody that I wouldn't mind becoming a journalist, they laugh and tell me that I'm a "dreamer" or have a "imaginative frame of mind" - or they just look at me like I have two heads and snigger. But... why?
I suppose what I learnt from this whole thing was that it doesn't matter how sure you think you are: there is always more to consider. More options to balance out and think through. Differing paths to attempt to walk down before you can safely say that left was better than right.
I suggest it's about knowing what to do with yourself.
I guess it's about clarity and discovering yourself slowly.
I suppose it's just...
Living.~
But it seems right now I can't quite settle with what I want to do.
I know it will involve writing - somehow. In whatever shape or form, because it's not just a pass time of mine, but a pure passion - like a partner, I suppose: trusty, loyal, and always there to fall back on when times get hard. There's no doubt in my mind that whatever I write would be able to make it somewhere within this big ol' world, but it doesn't necessarily mean that it will. I've found that I quite like the simplicity of secrecy - how easy it is to keep writing to myself. So that it stays as mine. My personal haven. My get-away when reality gets too sharp for me to keep my hand on the blade any longer. It's mine, and nobody can take it... but would publishing it to the public change that?
I mean, wouldn't that make people aware of the magic that one's mind can create if they try hard enough to escape the gripping suffocation of reality? Or would it show people that this world is existent as long as they envision it well enough? Or would it even do anything?
The last thought scares me slightly - writing is far too important to me for my writing to make no impact on other's lives whatsoever; it should be empowering, perhaps even compelling at times, and lure a reader to attempt new things and open their minds to the world's vast sea of opportunity. Being a fairly pessimistic person myself, I know how hard it can be to believe that things will get better, especially if things have been swerving in the direction of worse so long... but I often find the strength to pull myself back before the thoughts get so daunting it's almost hard to breathe. However, other people have weaker will-power, some have weaker will to pick themselves up... and I truly believe that writing - any writing - is a tool for people to use to their advantage in order to brighten their scope of perception a little.
School is often an instigator of such thoughts: uncertainty. Not knowing what you want to do in the world and not even being sure if you have a place in the world. It's sometimes hard to believe you can fit somewhere, though I firmly believe that everybody belongs somewhere, wherever that place may be. If God does exist (I personally am an agnostic girl myself, and am not sure what to make of religion as a whole) I'm sure he didn't make people so that they could wallow alone in their own self-pity and sense of unfulfillment. And even without the guy-in-the-sky to consider, people are here to create, to influence and to discover - it shouldn't be an option of anybody's to be lonely for eternity.
I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I may have lost my way a little. I am unsure of what media I would like to write. I'll tell you something: I had to pick up my little brother, Kyle (7) from school; his school is where I used to go myself, Normanton Common Primary School. My little brother, happy as could be, was showing me through his folders of work and I struck conversation with a long-forgotten teacher. She asked me about my career path and my college choices...
And I stood there in silence.
The silence was daunting, constricting and really made me think hard about my future. What is my career path? And what about my college options? Before I was so sure - so sure - that I would select English-central courses and progress from there... but perhaps, as possibly-arrogant as it is to think, I don't need to focus on English so much since I am already so strong in it. Perhaps I could direct my attentions where I am weaker, or not as informed, and channel energy to there instead, so that I have multiple ways to go in life. Maybe that would be good for me? I'm not sure... I laid back and thought it over for days. Night was never long enough for me to contemplate everything that was going on in my mind - ever had that feeling where there's a million and one things going round in your mind and you just don't know what to think about first? My nights were like that for a good couple of weeks - I told nobody, just hung my head and grew despondent, snappy even.
It tampered with my thoughts... it still does, though the feeling of being overwhelmed is nowhere near as strong as it was before; before, it was like a wave of disappointment, a tsunami of self-pity and grief, a pit of no clarity. And I didn't know what to think.
School and I have a love-hate relationship. It has caused me many many problems in the course of this world, what with the bullies and the harsh words and the discouraging vibe from the other people there, but also a torrent of joy: discovering, learning limits and potential in myself, rather than listening to somebody tell me what I could achieve if I tried hard enough. So why were my many years of discovering turning so sharply against me?
Critiquing had been in my mind for a while as possible career option... as had journalism. Whenever I tell somebody that I wouldn't mind becoming a journalist, they laugh and tell me that I'm a "dreamer" or have a "imaginative frame of mind" - or they just look at me like I have two heads and snigger. But... why?
I suppose what I learnt from this whole thing was that it doesn't matter how sure you think you are: there is always more to consider. More options to balance out and think through. Differing paths to attempt to walk down before you can safely say that left was better than right.
I suggest it's about knowing what to do with yourself.
I guess it's about clarity and discovering yourself slowly.
I suppose it's just...
Living.~
Sunday, 7 October 2012
I Guess I Should Be Honest - Being Yourself... Or Not.
I guess I should be honest, but as many journal entries as I've ever written, I've never tried my hand at a blog; why, I don't know... perhaps I was feeling pressured by the ravenous overviews of people in general. What they would think. What they would say. What they would commemorate and how they would conspire against me. But the truth is... I lost care several days ago when the thought hit me:
Why should I be afraid to be... well... me?
And I shouldn't be. And because the recurring theme in here seems to be something along the lines of "Be yourself, sport!", I guess I should start off with this question:
Have you ever felt insecure about yourself? Even insecurities regarding a factor so small the normal human being wouldn't see it? I have, and actually, still do feel this way sometimes, even with the closest of people to me. The way I look seems to be a common thing that people pick up on, for whatever reason. I mean, as arrogant as it sounds, I don't think there's anything wrong with the way I look whatsoever... whenever somebody says I'm ugly, I don't take it to heart, because I don't feel I am. It's just the truth. I feel almost-pretty sometimes, otherwise I feel average and no matter what anybody says, it will probably remain that way for the sheer fact that it gives my pride something to hold onto, even if it's only me who feels this way. But you know the truly remarkable thing I discovered?
How one, single person can change everything you ever thought was real. How one, lone person could alter your way of thinking, your way of feeling, your way of acting. It's a really intriguing occurrence and when it does happen, you sit back and think: "Where have you been my whole life?". It makes your mind change, develop, usually for the better, and when you meet this "one", then everything is tipped on it's head and you're left at a completely obtuse angle at which to look at things differently. It's empowering, fulfilling, even a little compelling at times. Some may suggest scary as a term to be associated with meeting that "one"... in some ways, they're right. It IS shocking, it IS different and it's definitely a head-scratcher as far as sense is concerned. I mean, the human brain will probably NEVER comprehend how one person can undo so much reality and spin the web of difference in somebody's face. It's just the way it is.
But the one thing that's irreplaceable about meeting this "one"? The clarity. You know for sure when you've met them. You know that they're "the one" who's going to change things for you, and you're going to be powerless against it, even if you think you're at the reins of the situation as usual. What's even better? This "one" can be anybody. Anybody whatsoever. A parent, a sibling, a friend, an enemy, a partner, absolutely anybody you can think of.
But my sorts was a partner. A shockingly brilliant guy that muddled up my whole perspective; it was frustrating to think he could work his way around my brain so easily, pick and miss at my suggestions as he saw fit and have me love him for it, make me cry and know that I'd still come back to him... it was like one huge roller-coaster to hell and back - with a lot of detours along the way of course. Trouble is, the only devil we encountered throughout this whole crazy development, was actually me. I was my own worst enemy in this whole thing, trying to seem cool and collected, only to have him shift everything and make me out to be this idiot that I wasn't, even without necessarily meaning to. There were times I wanted to punch him... but I know that even now, if he was stood there in front of me and invited me to "take my best shot" I would cower away and refuse .
I can't fight him. I pretended I could. I acted untouchable, unbeatable at times even... but it was only a façade - he cannot be matched, at least not by me. He changed me, made me see the prettiness of my features, made me notice that some of my ideas and pre-conceptions were total rubbish (like my adamant dislike for relationships, which, predictably, doesn't exist any more... it can't, since I feel I'm IN one right at this moment...), and most importantly, made me not give a damn what anybody who didn't matter had to say about me. Because they don't matter. And I don't mind them, don't even listen to the drivel they speak any more.
Oh, his name?
I call him Darlin'...~
Why should I be afraid to be... well... me?
And I shouldn't be. And because the recurring theme in here seems to be something along the lines of "Be yourself, sport!", I guess I should start off with this question:
Have you ever felt insecure about yourself? Even insecurities regarding a factor so small the normal human being wouldn't see it? I have, and actually, still do feel this way sometimes, even with the closest of people to me. The way I look seems to be a common thing that people pick up on, for whatever reason. I mean, as arrogant as it sounds, I don't think there's anything wrong with the way I look whatsoever... whenever somebody says I'm ugly, I don't take it to heart, because I don't feel I am. It's just the truth. I feel almost-pretty sometimes, otherwise I feel average and no matter what anybody says, it will probably remain that way for the sheer fact that it gives my pride something to hold onto, even if it's only me who feels this way. But you know the truly remarkable thing I discovered?
How one, single person can change everything you ever thought was real. How one, lone person could alter your way of thinking, your way of feeling, your way of acting. It's a really intriguing occurrence and when it does happen, you sit back and think: "Where have you been my whole life?". It makes your mind change, develop, usually for the better, and when you meet this "one", then everything is tipped on it's head and you're left at a completely obtuse angle at which to look at things differently. It's empowering, fulfilling, even a little compelling at times. Some may suggest scary as a term to be associated with meeting that "one"... in some ways, they're right. It IS shocking, it IS different and it's definitely a head-scratcher as far as sense is concerned. I mean, the human brain will probably NEVER comprehend how one person can undo so much reality and spin the web of difference in somebody's face. It's just the way it is.
But the one thing that's irreplaceable about meeting this "one"? The clarity. You know for sure when you've met them. You know that they're "the one" who's going to change things for you, and you're going to be powerless against it, even if you think you're at the reins of the situation as usual. What's even better? This "one" can be anybody. Anybody whatsoever. A parent, a sibling, a friend, an enemy, a partner, absolutely anybody you can think of.
But my sorts was a partner. A shockingly brilliant guy that muddled up my whole perspective; it was frustrating to think he could work his way around my brain so easily, pick and miss at my suggestions as he saw fit and have me love him for it, make me cry and know that I'd still come back to him... it was like one huge roller-coaster to hell and back - with a lot of detours along the way of course. Trouble is, the only devil we encountered throughout this whole crazy development, was actually me. I was my own worst enemy in this whole thing, trying to seem cool and collected, only to have him shift everything and make me out to be this idiot that I wasn't, even without necessarily meaning to. There were times I wanted to punch him... but I know that even now, if he was stood there in front of me and invited me to "take my best shot" I would cower away and refuse .
I can't fight him. I pretended I could. I acted untouchable, unbeatable at times even... but it was only a façade - he cannot be matched, at least not by me. He changed me, made me see the prettiness of my features, made me notice that some of my ideas and pre-conceptions were total rubbish (like my adamant dislike for relationships, which, predictably, doesn't exist any more... it can't, since I feel I'm IN one right at this moment...), and most importantly, made me not give a damn what anybody who didn't matter had to say about me. Because they don't matter. And I don't mind them, don't even listen to the drivel they speak any more.
Oh, his name?
I call him Darlin'...~
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