I guess I should be honest, but as many journal entries as I've ever written, I've never tried my hand at a blog; why, I don't know... perhaps I was feeling pressured by the ravenous overviews of people in general. What they would think. What they would say. What they would commemorate and how they would conspire against me. But the truth is... I lost care several days ago when the thought hit me:
Why should I be afraid to be... well... me?
And I shouldn't be. And because the recurring theme in here seems to be something along the lines of "Be yourself, sport!", I guess I should start off with this question:
Have you ever felt insecure about yourself? Even insecurities regarding a factor so small the normal human being wouldn't see it? I have, and actually, still do feel this way sometimes, even with the closest of people to me. The way I look seems to be a common thing that people pick up on, for whatever reason. I mean, as arrogant as it sounds, I don't think there's anything wrong with the way I look whatsoever... whenever somebody says I'm ugly, I don't take it to heart, because I don't feel I am. It's just the truth. I feel almost-pretty sometimes, otherwise I feel average and no matter what anybody says, it will probably remain that way for the sheer fact that it gives my pride something to hold onto, even if it's only me who feels this way. But you know the truly remarkable thing I discovered?
How one, single person can change everything you ever thought was real. How one, lone person could alter your way of thinking, your way of feeling, your way of acting. It's a really intriguing occurrence and when it does happen, you sit back and think: "Where have you been my whole life?". It makes your mind change, develop, usually for the better, and when you meet this "one", then everything is tipped on it's head and you're left at a completely obtuse angle at which to look at things differently. It's empowering, fulfilling, even a little compelling at times. Some may suggest scary as a term to be associated with meeting that "one"... in some ways, they're right. It IS shocking, it IS different and it's definitely a head-scratcher as far as sense is concerned. I mean, the human brain will probably NEVER comprehend how one person can undo so much reality and spin the web of difference in somebody's face. It's just the way it is.
But the one thing that's irreplaceable about meeting this "one"? The clarity. You know for sure when you've met them. You know that they're "the one" who's going to change things for you, and you're going to be powerless against it, even if you think you're at the reins of the situation as usual. What's even better? This "one" can be anybody. Anybody whatsoever. A parent, a sibling, a friend, an enemy, a partner, absolutely anybody you can think of.
But my sorts was a partner. A shockingly brilliant guy that muddled up my whole perspective; it was frustrating to think he could work his way around my brain so easily, pick and miss at my suggestions as he saw fit and have me love him for it, make me cry and know that I'd still come back to him... it was like one huge roller-coaster to hell and back - with a lot of detours along the way of course. Trouble is, the only devil we encountered throughout this whole crazy development, was actually me. I was my own worst enemy in this whole thing, trying to seem cool and collected, only to have him shift everything and make me out to be this idiot that I wasn't, even without necessarily meaning to. There were times I wanted to punch him... but I know that even now, if he was stood there in front of me and invited me to "take my best shot" I would cower away and refuse .
I can't fight him. I pretended I could. I acted untouchable, unbeatable at times even... but it was only a façade - he cannot be matched, at least not by me. He changed me, made me see the prettiness of my features, made me notice that some of my ideas and pre-conceptions were total rubbish (like my adamant dislike for relationships, which, predictably, doesn't exist any more... it can't, since I feel I'm IN one right at this moment...), and most importantly, made me not give a damn what anybody who didn't matter had to say about me. Because they don't matter. And I don't mind them, don't even listen to the drivel they speak any more.
Oh, his name?
I call him Darlin'...~
No comments:
Post a Comment