I Guess I Should Be Honest - How Do I Feel?

I guess I should be honest, but I've never had the guts to come to terms with my real feelings with near to anything. I've been so wrapped up in the "what if"'s and have almost completely disregarded my feelings about anything in the long-run. But sitting down and thinking about it now... what do I have to lose? Only what little pride I have built up over the years - and it would return once I realise that my life can, indeed, function properly without something - or somebody - there. I guess it's time that heals all in the end. 

But when you only have a hammer, everything looks like a nail. 

And that's when you strike the offensive - that's when you end up hurting others whilst trying to save yourself. It's like being a backwards-organ doner. It's like you know what you can do to help another but choose not to do it because it's just too much work. Feelings are a dangerous matter, whether you're juggling with confessions and love, or fighting off the urge to resent something or somebody, they all equate to the disaster of that of a deadly hurricane. 

And what can I say for it?

I was scared...?
I was weak...? 
I was spineless...?

Or I was just plain selfish?

I guess I'll never know. But feelings are very hard for me to understand - how can somebody be spiteful, but say it with a smile? How can somebody be angry, but have a twisted grin on their face? How can somebody say they love the gift you got them for their birthday, but you can see that spark of disappointment in their eyes? Are people dishonest? Or I just miss the basics? I suppose it's all down to me digging too deep to try and understand people in general - people confuse me. They can be so good... or so evil, it's one extreme or the other. But... why?

It's difficult when you feel you're in a relationship with somebody, but don't know if you actually are on not... wouldn't you agree? It's just so difficult filing through the mess that is to be you two together if you can just get the damn plan straightened out somewhat. Love is a bumpy road, but it shouldn't be an earthquake of strife and misery in the efforts and desperate attempts to get it to work. And it's even harder to ask whether your relationship is what it is with the fear of ice-cold reality slicing your world in two with an answer that you didn't want to hear in the entirety of your life. How must it be to lose the one dearest to you? How must it be? 

Perhaps, someday soon, I will know. It is no easy road, being denied and brushed off and made to feel like you are less important, but I'm guessing it is just the way it is. 

And I should learn to live with the pain of being different.~